Why I’m better than you at Fantasy Basketball – I’m a thrifty garbage picker edition

Here at the i8theball Super Metrics Space Center for Advance Numbers Past 11 and Stategories Beyond Hawkins Genius Shakes (or S.M.S.C.A.N.P.11.S.B.H.G.S) we pride ourselves on knowing how to run a fantasy clinic on our invisible online frenemies during the regular (and playoff) fantasy basketball season so that you don’t have to.

So, cool, you picked Dame Lillard because you know he’s going to be the next D.Rose. Who the hell you picking in the 6th round? How about the 9th (if there is one)? Ya, that’s what I thought, whoever is around, or plays on the team you really like. Let me help my fantasy challenged friend. Shhhhhh, just let the expert tell you how to do this.

The garbage round is so vital; it often makes or breaks a team. This is where you can pick up a lesser-known player if you know how to choose. Last year I managed to get my greasy hands on Greivis Vasquez and as a result I BEAT THE PISS OUT OF MY LEAGUE…BEAT THE YELLOWISH, SLIGHTLY ASPARAGUSY PISS RIGHT OUT OF THEM! (I’m competitive).  So now, let’s play a game I like to call ‘who you’d pick in the late rounds (wrong) versus who I’d pick (piss beating awesomeness!) Shall we?

Your Center

Andrea Bargnani – Old Italy pants does not shoot a good 3, you’re wrong, has a decent FT%, and has noodly pasta hands that couldn’t grab a rebound if he tried. Did I mention his health is on the decline, and has virtually no chance of playing more 70+ games

My Center

Byron Mullens – Let’s get this out of the way…he’s absolutely horrible to look at. There I said it. Now let’s move on. Mullens also shoots the 3, just better, he’s so ugly people will literally not pick him so he’ll be available. He rebounds more than Bargnani, shoots an ok FT% and will be whipped off court and berated by Doc Rivers if he tries to play defense lightly.  Also he played more games last year than Bargnani…just saying.

Your Power Forward

Amir Johnson – Good pick, not going to argue too much on this one….hahahaha, yes I am you idiot! It’s a trap, grab an axe! I really do like Amir, but he is so inconsistent it’s infuriating. He has the tools, shoots a good FG, and FT% gets you the boards, and absolutely dials it in whenever there is a back-to-back game. It’s like he can only pay attention to one game a week.

My Power Forward

Ed Davis – Solid, and so quiet he could be forgotten in the draft. I say could, but those assholes at ESPN pointed him out on there top 500 players at #156 The former Raptor turned pro bench warmer in Memphis is bound to get his chance this year. I just figure there is no way that Z-Bo can keep eating like he’s pregnant and play 40+ minutes, fuck man, just give him some playing time! Even in limited production he puts up good numbers, great percentages, and doesn’t over do it. If he slips to like the 8th round, GO GO GO!

Your Small Forward

Evan Turner – You got conned sucker, your wife is also probably cheating on you and your kids have your wallet. Another streaky player that has shown so much potential. I remember having enough attention span once at a pre-season game to watch this kid and be sincerely impressed, so what happened? The siren call of Turner is great, especially on a tanking 76’ers team, but heed my warning friend, you’ll find nothing but sadness at the end of that trail.

My Small Forward

Tobias Harris – I have a basketboner just thinking about this guy.  See below.























APR 10, 2013 – ORL vs. MIL























Sure that’s one game against a craptacular Bucks team, just go on his stats page for April, then brag to your friends how you picked him instead of Evan Turner and how your dick grew three inches by eating kale.

Your Shooting Guard

Ben McLemore – Sure pick a rookie, why the hell not? And when he hits the wall (which always happens!) and everyone else’s reserve SG is putting a client on your rook, then what…pfft…have I taught you nothing!?!

My Shooting Guard

Marco Belinelli – I kind of hate this guy, he’s all over the place, he’s shown glimpses of great ability, he probably gets laid all the time, has money, has a weird Italian smugness, ack. So why did I pick him? Pop. Straight up Greg Popovich will destroy his soul if he doesn’t play according to Pop. I think if he ropes in his game a little, he’s the perfect reserve SG.

Your Point Guard

Reggie Jackson – This is another trick. Sure Westbrook is out, and probably will have a streaky season ahead of him. So in theory this is a good place for Jackson to be right? Wrong! Ok, not wrong, but I just doubt that he’s going to pick up his game to even a reserve PG level on any fantasy team, so don’t waste the pick. It’s like saving your last condom for…nevermind.

My Point Guard

Dwight Buycks – Who? Sorry, who?! I know right! Is your mind blown? Do you even know what team this guy plays for? Well, he’s a Toronto Raptor, he was pretty good over in Europe, he’s fast as hell, and…oh yeah Masai Ujiri picked him up. The same Ujiri who saw potential in Ty Lawson. I will admit, this is a deep hunch pick, so go for it, call me a homer. Or pick the fucking guy, watch him run circles around your competitions pick like there was no tomorrow. My only disclaimer on this one is that you can only pick him if he is your absolute last pick…OR, you picked a shitty player and need to drop one and add one.

So there you have it, stow your contrived and obvious picks, study mine, don’t play against me (because I will bite your dick off if you select any of my picks and we’re in the same league) and let’s review this guidance session in the late spring of 2014 while we’re hoisting virtual trophies over our avatars getting all that sweet cyber booty…ok I’ll stop now. Clink!